The Ten People Who Must be Resurrected by Science or Magick...

Let us turn our hearts of stone away from the pressing matters of the day.  Today I finished watching the fantastic miniseries Cosmos: A Personal Voyage by the incomparably brilliant Carl Sagan.  I truly believe that if everyone on this planet were to watch Cosmos with an open mind, the world would be an infinitely brighter and more peaceful place.  Sagan's main goal through Cosmos was to make people wonder at the universe around them - to inspire us to think about not only ourselves, but for our posterity.  It is essentially a warning that the escalating Cold War would inevitably lead to the Earth's death in nuclear fire.  Though the Cold War has ended, only slightly outdating his message, and though some of the elements of cosmology have been explained more thoroughly thanks to scientific breakthroughs in the subsequent decades since Cosmos's release, the message is still strong.  Still today we worry about North Korea's nuclear proliferation.  And the United States still sits upon a ludicrously large stockpile of thermonuclear weapons.  Sagan's ability to make science and cosmology accessible to the average viewer shows the depths of his genius.  He died at the age of 62 from myelodysplasia.  As far as I'm concerned, he was not on this planet nearly long enough for a man of his intellect with such a fantastic message.  So I got to thinking - who are the people that must be brought back from the dead by either science or magick?  Mind you, when I say that I want these people back from the dead, I want them back in pristine condition; not as a decaying zombie corpse.  Yeesh... that would be awful.  I here present, in no particular order:

The Ten People Who Must Be Resurrected By Science or Magick

Nikola Tesla*

I lied about this list being in no particular order.  Now, there is a very good reason that I decided to bring back Nikola Tesla first.  All evidence suggests that Tesla was actually a time traveler from the future.  How else could you explain how someone invented long range energy transfer, the vacuum tube, the x-ray, fluorescent lighting AND THE GODDAMNED DEATH RAY, all before his death in 1943.  Imagine what Tesla could have done if he were born in the modern era!  There's no reason we wouldn't already have moon bases, flying cars and teleportation if Tesla were around in the 80s.  And I've chosen to resurrect him simply because with his extraterrestrial scientific powers, he could easily invent a machine that help me to corporeally resurrects all the others on this list.

Dr. Carl Sagan

I've already discussed Sagan's genius.  There's tale that modern day crank cum cosmologist Neil DeGrasse Tyson will be piloting a modernized series of Cosmos with updated knowledge of life, the universe, and everything.  I can guarantee that NO ONE will watch this series if Dr. Tyson doesn't wear a burgundy turtleneck and brown corduroy jacket.

Hypatia

Hypatia was the first renowned woman in the field of mathematics, and she happened to be the last Librarian of the Library of Alexandria.  Because she was a woman, she was a natural target in the entirely male-dominated world of antiquity.  As the guardian of all ancient knowledge, she also became a target from the Catholic Church, whose adherents at the time viewed all scientific learning as magic.  Hypatia was no doubt seen as a witch in her time, and the Bishop of Alexandria, Cyril, was her greatest enemy.  On her way to work during Lent in the year 415 AD, she was beset upon by a mob of Cyril's disciples.  They dragged her through the street until she was dead, flayed the flesh from her body either by abalone shells or the tiles from the Caesareum, and was burned.  Hypatia is largely forgotten and Cyril was made a Saint.  There's something awfully revolting about that.  I wonder how the history of women might be different if Hypatia were allowed to live a peaceful, natural life.  

 President Abraham Lincoln

This blog entry would have been finished about three days ago if it weren't for the man ponderously posing for the above portrait.  I knew that I had to resurrect a single President, and I struggled to decide upon a single one.  I thought about Polk, for his ability to create and agenda and fulfill it in just four years.  Then I thought about the fiery Jackson, but deemed him too controversial a figure to return to the mortal realm.  The Roosevelt family produced two fabulous Presidents, and I considered cheating and using science to create a genetic hybrid of Theodore and Franklin that would encapsulate all the incredible things of both the Republican AND Democratic Parties!  But in the end, it was Abraham Lincoln who eventually earned the privilege of a date with the Tesla Concentrated Aether Resurrect-o-Matic Device!  Why?  Is it his gift for parsimonious, elegaic prose?  Is it the steadfastness and resolve (not to mention disregard for the Constitution) he exhibited in effort to keep the United States united?  Yes.  Lincoln  is the one President that I think this Country unanimously admires and wishes back from the dead.  Of course, the moonshine producing, backwood hick counties of the scourged, carpet-bagger ridden South are exempt from this statement.

Mark Twain

I wonder how the country might be different if Mark Twain were to go on a speaking tour through the modern United States.  Perhaps his crankiness and wit would become a widespread epidemic, infecting people all over the nation until everyone develops the propensity for writing brilliant American odysseys, sitting in rocking chairs, smoking cigars, and complaining about Theodore Roosevelt not letting angry women into the White House.  I believe that Mark Twain perfectly encapsulates what America ought to be: angry, sarcastic, intelligent, cranky, self-reflecting, and poorly groomed.

Ludwig van Beethoven

In lieu of writing a lengthy defense of Beethoven's resurrection, I instead offer the following piece of music.  Tell me that this man shouldn't live another thousand years and bring such beauty to the world.

Julia Child

Julia Child continues to inspire the common person to venture into his or her own kitchen and make something for themselves.  Modern "food television" can't even hold a candle to this Valkyrie of the gastronomic world.  Talentless hacks like Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri, Paula Deen, Sandra Lee, get away with teaching Americans how to mindlessly drool in front of a television and occasionally make Neanderthalic grunts.  Julia Child taught you how to ROAST A GODDAMNED CHICKEN.  Julia Child taught you how to BAKE A GODDAMNED SOUFFLÉ!  Julia Child taught you how to HANDLE A GODDAMNED KITCHEN KNIFE!  Julia Child taught me and several generations of home cooks that even the most complicated of techniques are possible with study, patience, and bold curiosity.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Perhaps no other American showed such eloquence and power with the English language as did Dr. King.  With his pen and his tongue and the lessons of other peaceful protesters, Dr. King sought to change this country.  He highlighted the hypocrisy of a country that fought a war against Jewish racism in Europe, but refused to allow black men and women to drink from the same water fountains or attend the same schools as whites.  Who knows how depraved and oppressive the country may still have been if it weren't for what this man did for the nation.  And perhaps no speech given in America is as well remembered and quoted as the one he gave on August 28, 1963.

I can't help but wonder how Dr. King might inspire and change the country today if he were still alive.

Amelia Earhart

A renaissance woman if ever one existed.  Earhart dared the country to think differently about women.  The sad fact is that girl nowadays really don't have people to look up to.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG.  In the modern era, there is a deluge of fantastically brilliant women that girls OUGHT to look up to.  Hillary Clinton, Madeline Albright, Michelle Obama, Angela Merkel populate this list.  But honestly, they lack a certain something that young girls want to aspire to be.  Instead the media forces upon them the likes of Snooki, Bratz dolls, Katy Perry, and Rihanna (young girls really ought to know that it's NOT okay to return to an abusive boyfriend).  Amelia Earhart is someone that today's young girls can really marvel at: smart, nonconformist, brave, daring, badass, fearless and not to mention fashionable!  Hell, not only young girls should look up to and try to emulate her.  If she were alive today, I've no doubt she'd be gunning to be the first woman - hell the first PERSON - to set foot on Mars.  We need more daredevils like her.

 

Benjamin Franklin

Dr. Franklin was a goddamned wizard.  If you have any arguments to the contrary, you are wrong.  Look at what this man did:

• Invented the Franklin stove, bifocals, the lightning rod, an improved rocking chair, a glass armonica &c...
• Created the first free lending library in America
• Established fire departments in America
• Founded the University of Pennsylvania
• Was the first Postmaster General
• Ambassador to England and Minister to France
• Printed several newspapers under various pseudonyms
• Created some of the first public works programs including street lighting and paved roads
• Wrote treatises on the nature of electricity

The list just goes on and on.  Benjamin Franklin might not be the polymath the world wants, but he's the polymath that the world needs.

____________________________________________________

So there you have it.  These are the 10 people that I'd bring back to the mortal coil.  Oh!  I forgot to bring up a couple of honorable mentions...

 
Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan

This should go without saying.

*Tho. Edison

Now, I definitely wouldn't bring this awful bastard back from the dead.  Lord knows I'll never forgive him for electrocuting an elephant just to prove how much awesomer his direct current was than Nikola Tesla's alternating current.  I just have a feeling that the resurrected Tesla couldn't help himself BUT to bring Edison back from the dead, if only to engage the Braggart of Menlo Park in a science match to the DEATH.  We all know who would win in that fight.

Discussion: I took great pains in choosing just 10 people that I would resurrect from the dead in order to save this world.  And after all the thought I put into it, I can't help but feel embarrassed by a few remarks about the chosen people that cannot be ignored.  First and foremost, I noticed that the list is overwhelmingly American.  This I attribute to my own American-centric view of the world.  It's been instilled in me since the very beginnings of my education, and I apologize for not being able to look beyond it.  

Second, the list is overwhelmingly male.  This I wrestled with and asked my wife about repeatedly - but she was too busy not caring about my awesome blog to give any insight beyond, "There aren't many women on your list."  Thanks hon.  How do I write off this obvious oversight on my part?  Once again I blame history.  While I did major in history, I did not major in women's history, or as some ridiculous academics like to call it - herstory.  Honestly, women are often given secondary or tertiary roles in historical anecdotes.  Only now in the modern era are we approaching a time when awesome women are getting their due respect.  Perhaps in 20 years when I look back on this blog, I will have a list comprising 7 women and 3 men!  Unfortunately, it's not 20 years from now, and I once again apologize for my own current shortcomings.

Thirdly, the list is overwhelmingly white.  Once again I blame my education and the limited time I've spent on multicultural studies.  I just don't know enough about heroes and legendary eccentrics from Africa, Asia or Latin America.  So once again I blame the culture I was raised in and beg forgiveness.

For anyone so outraged by my list that they see fit to correct my oversights, please provide your own list of resurrection candidates replete with persons of a more mixed variety of sexes and cultures!

More on Food Stamp Abuse, And Why I Hate My Neighborhood...

I've already made it clear that I'm entirely against the abuse of the food stamp system.  It is an extremely costly pestilence in modern America, at least in the mythical wonder kingdom that is Crown Heights, Brooklyn.  In the entry I linked to earlier, I showed how people buying prepared foods (specifically $6 sandwiches) and are wasting taxpayer money, when they could instead use the money allotted them to buy the ingredients to make SEVERAL sandwiches, thereby saving a conservative estimate of $4.73.  After I wrote the said entry, I spoke with a friend of mine who upon last check currently lives among the pacifist Pennsylvania Quakers.  She brought to my attention that there is indeed something gravely wrong with the food stamp system, when a whole roast chicken ($4.99 this week at Key Food) which can feed 3 people and certainly nutritious cannot be purchased with an EBT card.  One may however go ahead and buy Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies and Coca Cola, which are the nutritive equivalent of a barren ice world at the edge of a solar system.
Clearly something is wrong there.
One can witness this kind of gross spending of taxpayer money any day, especially in Brooklyn.  And the worst part is that this is entirely legal.  The USDA's Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) actually has a website dedicated to items that  are and aren't eligible through their program.  It explicitly states that soft drinks, candy, cookies, snack crackers and ice cream are all eligible in the program.  These are listed at known junk foods.  Steaks and seafood and even bakery cakes are also covered by SNAP, though they are listed at luxury items.  Now, it seems to me that if you're really strapped for money and trying to eke out a living with your family, you'd want to make sure that your family was eating all of their necessary nutrients.  While steaks and seafood may be counted as luxury items, there's no question that they are much better purchases than soda and junk food when it comes to pure nutritional value.  How bakery cakes are considered eligible food items in the SNAP program is BEYOND ME.
The problem is that some stores simply don't adhere to the guidelines of the food benefits programs.  In the example I brought up in my previous entry, I noticed that a woman purchased a deli-prepared sandwich for $6.25.  This was actually "okay" by the manager, even though prepared food items like sandwiches aren't covered by EBT.  But I never really thought at the time about how the store got away with letting the woman purchase the sandwich with her card.  And then I found out exactly how stores get away with it.
The other week I was in the Associated Supermarket on Nostrand Avenue.  We repeatedly have trouble with this store and the food benefits abuse that goes on in it.  It's not uncommon to stand in line while customers fight with the cashiers over what they can and cannot buy with their EBT cards.  The woman in front of me had a large number of items on the conveyor belt.  Several of them were not covered by the EBT program, and the woman was visibly disgruntled by this fact.  After more complaining from the customer, the cashier voided the items from the woman's original transaction and swiped the EBT card.  Transaction complete.  Right after that, she rang up all of the non-EBT eligible groceries as "assorted groceries."  Apparently any item labeled "assorted groceries" may be purchased with the EBT card.  Thus with two transactions, the woman got away with purchasing a whole bunch of items that CANNOT BE PURCHASED WITH EBT.
Now, what brought on this long, uncharacteristic tirade about food stamp abuse in my neighborhood?  Well, it may have something to do with the fact that someone in my neighborhood recently stole my debit card information to make an $1,106.16 purchase from the Microsoft store.  With neighbors like this, who needs enemies?  Expect full coverage of my dealings with identity theft when I hear more from the detectives of Brooklyn's 71st Precinct!

In Which I Prove That I Chose the Correct Party Affiliation

Like every American, I occasionally wonder whether I chose the correct party when I registered to vote.  In this age of dangerous rifts between parties, it's not uncommon for people to be chastised for being "too Republican" or "too Democratic."  Equally unfortunate is the fact that under the current trends of political thought, any registered Democrat is immediately labelled something like a atheist Massachusetts college-educated liberal.  Contrarily, any registered Republican is considered a NASCAR redneck evangelical Reaganite.  The greatest threat this ideology poses to America is that the classic Moderate in either party is seen as siding with the enemy.  Why is this?  What happened in America that caused such a massive break between the parties?  Why is bipartisan cooperation considered such an evil?  Why can't we all just be a little bit more like, YOU GUESSED IT:

Fig. 1: DANIEL PATRICK EFFIN' MOYNIHAN, that's who!

I consider this break in the parties to be one of the greatest faults in American history.  There is something fundamentally wrong with a system that encourages schism and denounces thoughtful cooperation.  Abraham Lincoln said something about a house divided against itself being unable to stand.  I'm relatively certain he wasn't conveying his understanding of architecture when he offered this warning.  History has already proven that when bipartisanship entirely separates the parties, something awful like say a Civil War can break out.

As of right now, I'm a registered Democrat in New York State.  That's almost like saying that I'm a human being that breathes oxygen apparently.  This wasn't always the case however.  A younger, more foolish BillChas did something very silly on February 25th of 2002.  It was the day after I turned 18.  I couldn't technically register to vote on my birthday, as it fell on a Sunday that year.  New York is a funny state, in that you may choose from the following parties upon registration: 

• Democratic party
• Republican party
• Conservative party
• Working Families party
• Independence party*
• Green party

*-Note that this oughtn't be confused with registering independent!  The Independence party is that of failed Presidential candidate H. Ross Perot, which consists mainly of billionaire libertarians.  

Then there is of course the option of registering Independent or filling in your own political party, for those remaining Know-Nothings, Whigs, Bull-Mooses and Jedi among us.  I, a young and stupid idealist, blindly put a check mark next to Green party.  One day I received a literature in the mail from the Green party which illuminated, in shockingly disgusting detail, how the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001 were orchestrated and carried out by our own government.  Naturally, I found this so despicable that I went down to the Sayville Post Office at my earliest convenience to change my party affiliation.  Ever since I have been a Democrat.

And why shouldn't I have registered Democratic?  There have been many fine Democrats in our time: Franklin D. Roosevelt, Bill Clinton and DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN just to name a few.  But I cannot help but wonder if I did make the right decision.  Several of my favorite politicians have been Republicans.  Theodore Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln and Dwight Eisenhower, the ferocious graduate of West Point and Commander of the Allied Forces come to mind.  And here's where the moronic of our number pipe in and issue some pithy ex cathedra statement about "Ooh... but the Parties have changed throughout the years!  Some Democrats would be considered Republicans nowadays and blah blah blah blah..."  Well, I'll have none of your armchair, barstool political thought!  Try telling Abraham Lincoln that he was a Democrat!  If that were the case, then John Wilkes Booth most likely wouldn't have seen fit to lodge a bullet in Our Beloved President's brilliant skull.  I care NOT for your modern political thought!  These presidents were the HEADS of the parties they ran under.  And I won't listen to your inane ramblings any longer.

So how does one decide if he or she has made the right decision when selecting a political party?  It's a tough call.  But I did come up with a method for seeing if you've made the right choice.  How is it done?  Simple.  By the way, I came up with this method while I was pondering the most forgotten and underrated President in History:

Fig. 2: Mr. James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Make a list of every President of the United States of America.  Research each of their Presidencies, including decisions they made, how the country fared during their Presidency, and to what degree you agree with how they saw fit to run the country.  Now, you might run into a few snags.  You'll note that there are four Whigs, at least one Federalist, one awesome God-like war hero that refused to join a political party on the grounds that it might cause a great rife in the nation (and yes, George Washington was a goddamned Prophet) and several Democratic-Republicans in the mix.  YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CONSIDER THESE PRESIDENCIES.  These parties no longer exist.  We cannot retroactively assign Jefferson to the Democratic Party.  Nor can we lump the Adamses in with the Republicans.  You may as well skip all the way down to Andrew Jackson, THE FIRST AND MOST BLOOD THIRSTY DEMOCRAT, and begin your counting there - of course skipping all Whigs you may come upon.

For each of those Presidencies, use the following scale to assign a positive or negative number:

+2 = One of the most fantastical Presidencies that all Presidents should strive to emulate.

+1 = A fine and model President!  Job well done!

0 = I care nothing about what this President did, and I don't see how the country would be much different without this person's Presidency.

-1 = Oh come on!  You can do better than this!  You're the president for cripes sake!  Do something good, will ya?

-2 = Ran the country into the ground and ought to have the title of Mr President posthumously stripped from them.

I did this.  And I was surprised with the results.  Now one must bear in mind that there have been slightly more Republicans than there have been Democrats.  Honestly though, there is a whole slew of Republican Presidents that even modern-day Republicans wish never existed.  You can omit these Presidents (Hayes, Garfield, Arthur) should you so choose, and suddenly the playing field is once again equal.  Here is how my scores came out:

Gray: Federalist
Green: Democratic-Republican
Yellow: Whig
Blue: Democrat
Red: Republican
 

PRESIDENT NAME	Republican	Democrat	Neither
George Washington			+2
John Adams			+1
Thomas Jefferson			+2
James Madison			+1
James Monroe			+1
John Q. Adams			-1
Andrew Jackson		+2
Martin Van Buren		0
William Henry Harrison			0
John Tyler			+1
James K. Polk		+2
Zachary Taylor			-1
Millard Fillmore			-1
Franklin Pierce		-2
James Buchanan		-2
Abraham Lincoln	+2
Andrew Johnson		-2
Ulysses S. Grant	+2
Rutherford B. Hayes	-1
James A. Garfield	-2
Chester A. Arthur	0
Grover Cleveland		-1
Benjamin Harrison	0
Grover Cleveland		0
William McKinley	-1
Theodore Roosevelt	+2
William Taft	-1
Woodrow Wilson*		-2
Warren G. Harding	-2
Calvin Coolidge	0
Herbert Hoover	-2
Franklin D. Roosevelt		+2
Harry S Truman		+1
Dwight Eisenhower	+2
John F. Kennedy		+1
Lyndon B. Johnson		+2
Richard Nixon	-2
Gerald Ford	-2
Jimmy Carter		0
Ronald Reagan	+2
George H.W. Bush	0
Bill Clinton		+2
George W. Bush	-2
Barack Obama		0
	Total: -5	Total: +4	Total: +5

All Republicans together resulted in a total of -5 points, meaning that, as a whole, the Republican Party has produced a net of nearly THREE miserable failures of a Presidency.  On the other hand, the Democrats have produced a net of TWO divine leaders that have brought about a Pax Americana in their theoretical times.  Even the hodgepodge of mixed political parties from throughout history far outshine the Republican presidents, even if one is to completely omit the abysmal triumvirate of Hayes, Garfield & Arthur.
I've clearly chosen wisely.  Are my points awarded skewed by my political beliefs?  That is entirely for the Court of the World to decide.  For my money however, I can rest easy knowing that I categorically proved that I chose the correct political party, at least where the Presidency is concerned.  Try it and share your results!

* - Please note that I made an egregious error when I was translating my work from paper to Excel.  I originally posted that Woodrow Wilson received a +1.  My friend Alex pointed out that he found it odd that I gave Wilson a positive number at all, being that Wilson was famous for re-segregating the White House, endorsing the message in D.W. Griffith's The Birth of a Nation, needlessly dragging the country into World War I, and failed to garner Republican support for the centerpiece of his Fourteen Points, the League of Nations.  On paper I originally gave Wilson -1, but after some careful consideration and more insight from Alex, I have decided to give President Wilson -2.  This means that Democratic Presidents have earned a net of +4.  I have adjusted my analysis to reflect this.  Isn't that the beauty of this method?  I imagine that if I were to try this exercise 20 years from now, I'd probably get different results.

BUY WAR BONDS!

What a travesty.  According to reliable sources, I haven't updated this weblog since June of 2011.  Why is this such a travesty?  I cannot even begin to atone for not recording all the fantastical events of my life in the past 8 or so months.  What in the hell has happened in all that time.
Well, for one, Maria and I were married.  You know, no big deal.  I've noticed that an awful lot of traffic for this website comes from the multitudes of other fancy gentlemen wishing to look like Atticus Finch and where to find a tie with a whale pattern.  It just so happens that both of those search criteria will land you on my blog entries pertaining to how I'd like to dress for the wedding.  The votes were cast and the whale tie won.  And what of the seersucker suit?  Was I able to do the legendary Southern lawyer a good turn?  I leave that for the Court of the World to decide:

Fig. 1: This style brought to you by J. Press and its finest salesman, Mark Clark.  And under the advice of one Jon Meier, who then proceeded to buy me very expensive cocktails at the Algonquin to stave off the panic attack triggered by the ludicrous amount of money I dropped on a suit.  And still it was outshone by the ethereal brilliance of my bride.  To quote Mary Poppins, "That's as it should be."

Anyhow, I really do enjoy updating this thing.  And I also enjoy the minute of fame the entry pertaining to Oscar the Grouch's Timelordship brought me.  And look, I even have a sticky on my desktop with all the thoughts on VERY IMPORTANT MATTERS that I wanted to share with the interweb.  I here share the contents of that sticky:

-Wedding

-Clamming

-Boston / J. Press

-UConn Dairy Bar

-Moynihan Tufts

-Comparing cameras

-5 things I'd do with a time machine

 >1964 World's Fair

 >

And that's it.  A lone "greater than" sign is where I left off.  And OH the wonderful stories that could be  told about all the things I wrote on the sticky.  I will discuss all these topics (with the exception of our INCREDIBLE wedding - because a blurb could scarcely do it justice) VERY QUICKLY RIGHT NOW.

I intended to talk about the new jargon invented by the roughest, toughest bunch of clammers the Great South Bay ever saw.  Because of my neglect, perhaps no one will know what a braggart's dozen is.  Centuries from now, English speakers will be entirely ignorant of that fact that placing clams in a bucket ought to be referred to as "making a deposit," meaning that a handful of clams ought to be referred to as a "deposit."  I ought to at least make these precious gems of the English language look fancy!  In fact I will right now:

deposit \di-POZ-it\

noun

1. a number of clams that fits in two hands... and possibly in your swim trunks as well: Seany Mikes placed an incredible deposit of clams into the bucket... and then chugged like 4 Miller High Lifes to celebrate.

braggart's dozen \BRAG-ertz  DUH-zin\

noun 

1. Seven or eight clams: Derek claimed he gleaned 48 clams from the murky waters of the Great South Bay, when he in fact only retrieved a braggarts dozen.  That didn't stop him from eating all the clams anyway.  Asshole.

As for Boston and J. Press - I was going to compare the Harvard Square store to the Madison Avenue store.  That doesn't seem as interesting in retrospect.  Moving on.

UConn Dairy Bar.  It's a magical place that we stopped at on our way back from Boston to visit our friend Alex. Um... it was.  Magical.  Once again, loses its luster in hindsight.  It was probably the most fantastic strawberry ice cream I've ever tasted.

Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan attended Tufts for both his Master and Doctorate.  Also, I found this picture of him.  DPM is the OFFICIAL mascot of The Elegance of Humanity in America.

Fig. 2: The Gentleman from New York.

I was going to compare my Mamiya C220 photos with those from my shitty Diana plastic hipster piece of shit.  But I have yet to make prints from ANY of these rolls of film.  Also, FAR TOO HIPSTERY.

Five things I'd do with a Time Machine.  Oh god, I don't think I'd be able to hew this down to only 5 events.  And... FINE, quickly!  The first five that come to mind!

1.  The 1964 World's Fair.
2. The meetings of the First Continental Congress.
3. Abraham Lincoln doing SOMETHING awesome.  I mean, for him that could mean something as menial as shaving for God's sake.
4.  The primordial soup mix that created life on Earth.
5. D-Day.  No.  Wait.  I'd cry.  No.  I'd still go.

Maybe I'll flesh the discussion of time travel out more thoroughly at a later time.
And so many more things have happened.  We left our old crappy apartment for a much nicer one in a much worse part of Brooklyn.  We visited Hawai'i.  We welcomed the birth of our first nephew!  All of these just absolutely brilliantly wonderful things have happened in the past 8 months... and the thing that made me want to blog again was this:

 Fig. 3: If you're going to do propaganda, you might as well do it right.

I saw this poster today, and I realized that America doesn't urge its citizens to buy war bonds anymore.  During the First and Second World Wars, posters, cartoons, radio announcers all urged every red-blooded American to buy war bonds.  And there's something satisfying about giving over money to a good cause in return for a piece of paper that guarantees payback upon the victorious end of a war.  Hell, if I were in a position to give $25 to Uncle Sam in the 1910s or 1940s, I'd be first in line to buy my war bond.  But in our country's most recent conflicts: Korea, Vietnam, Gulf War I, Gulf War II, Afghanistan, &c., the Congress didn't even ponder to ask its citizens for money.  What does that tell us of these obnoxious conflicts?

I could seriously go on about other subjects that boggle my mind.  Among them include the continuing flagrant abuse of food stamps programs that I see across the street from my apartment.  Ah... I think it's time to get back in the saddle.  It would be a vicious crime for me to deprive the masses of my ALWAYS 100% ACCURATE AND CORRECT commentaries and observations of THE ELEGANCE OF HUMANITY IN AMERICA - REDUX.

I think I will attempt to discuss the wedding and Hawaii in attempt to get back into form.

Until then, I am forever.

BARON THE REV. DR. MAYOR SIR WILLIAM, ESQ., BTT

Please comment if you know of a way that I can add "President" to my ever expanding collection of titles.

Good Morning Beautiful...

Maria and I received a frankly gut-busting message on the phone this morning. It was delivered in a sleepy, throaty voice, obviously intended to be sexy - or something. If I were some sort of technological whiz-kid, I would post a recording of the message complete with a local news style 911 emergency call background. Alas, I am not that whiz-kid, so here's the message. Remember: throaty, sleepy, sexy and - ahem - from Brooklyn.

"Good morning beautiful. How you doin’? This is ST. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you, but – uh – you’re a hard woman to catch up with. Anyway, you should give me a call back. I’ll be in the house until about 1:30 if you wanna call back. If not, I understand. Have a great day. Bye."

Naturally my first instinct was to trace the call and savagely torture the person on the otherend of the line for trying to pick up my betrothed in so shameful a way. But in the end, I just laughed and cracked open an ice cold Schaefer Beer before shamelessly posting this sorry attempt at a pickup.

Fig. 1: It's the one beer to have when you're having more than one.

The Robin Danger Action School of Culinary Excellence!

Many centuries ago (read: 11 months ago), I was approached by a shady stranger with a thick St. Petersburg accent as I sat on a bench by South Street Seaport. The stranger wore a rich brown fedora, dark sunglasses, gray tweed trousers and heavy trench coat. He slid up to me and muttered,
"I hear dare is g-r-r-reat veather in Moscow," after which he placed a nondescript leather attaché case at my feet.
"Um... I think you have the wrong --"
"You are not Screaming Eagle?"
"Well, yes I am, but this is not the appointed time or place for this to ha--"
"YOU VILL COME VIK ME."
And that is how Greg Mourino suckered me into working on his master's thesis project.
It is a fact already well known to my stalkers and readers that I used this SECRET PROJECT as a means of hiding a sneaky trip to Long Island wherein I asked my future wife's family what they thought about the two of us getting married. What does that mean? That this project happens to be the MOST IMPORTANT COMPUTER ANIMATED FILM IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.
Instead of going into mountainous waves of detail, I will instead share it without further ado. Enjoy - The Robin Danger Action School of Culinary Excellence.




I will always maintain fond memories of repeatedly shouting "SHUT UP!" and "WRONG!" into a very expensive microphone in a converted bedroom with mattresses against the walls to contain the sound. I can only hope my violent shouting struck fear into the hearts of the obnoxious children upstairs in Greg's apartment.

In This, Our Last Day on Earth...

It has come to my attention from certain reputable sources (i.e. people wearing t-shirts distributing pamphlets on the subway) that the world will end tomorrow, May 21st, 2011. Or the Rapture will happen and the world will be destroyed by fire in October or something to that effect. Whatever the case, I am here to dispel fears and reassure the frightened masses that the world WILL NOT END at the said date and time. And no, don't expect me to go into a scientific breakdown of the diarrhea that issues from senile West Coast ministers who haven't enough brains to blow on hot soup. I'm going to give you REAL reasons why the world can't possibly end and that it will endure far longer than any millenarian cultist will tell you. I present:

REASONS THE WORLD WILL NOT END ON MAY 21, 2011

1. Maria and I have not yet married. They say you're supposed to present your strongest argument last, but to hell with that. Let us just say that if God decides to Rapture all his chosen people into heaven tomorrow after all the time and effort that Maria and I (but especially Maria) have put into this glorious event, he's got something worse than Satan's wrath to deal with - the wrath of Ms. Olsen. I am relatively sure that my mother would punch him in his perfect, omnipotent face if he did ANYTHING the mar the plans of our Blessed Event. I can already see him whining, droplets of precious blood staining his millennia-whitened beard, apologizing to the 5'1" behemoth that just bitch-slapped him. One minute with Ms. Olsen, and I'm certain that God would return the world to its former splendor and pretend that none of that nonsense ever happened.
Which reminds me, the vote! I had every intention of blowing off the dozens of voters who opted for the blue whale tie and choosing another tie. J. Press was having a sale this week, and so I popped into their store on Madison Avenue, where I was greeted by their best salesman, Mark Clark. I was about to buy a 25% off burgundy tie with white colored polka dots, but none was available. Whilst perusing the other ties, my eyes fell upon the whale tie. In the sales pitch of the century, Mark pressed the tie into my hands and said, "It was practically made for that suit." Long story short, you win voters. This time.

2. They Might Be Giants have not yet released their latest adult-oriented album, Join Us. Scientists have proven that God is a huge TMBG geek. No way would he call it all quits before Brooklyn's Ambassadors of Love, who have been installing and servicing melodies since 1982, got their chance to release another album. It's just - not - happening.

3. I am not finished reading The Autobiography of Mark Twain. And even if this will be the last day of Earth, let it be known that I'm GLAD the last book I shall have read was Mark Twain's autobiography. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be an old, bitter man, sitting in bed reading newspaper clippings and ranting to a stenographer about how biographies SHOULD be written and completely dodge the subject of your own personal life and matters entirely? Then this is your book. Of the over 700 cereal box-sized pages, only about 250 contain the autobiography proper - if you can call this a proper autobiography. The balance consists entirely of scholarly bullshit more suited to the kindling pile than to literature bearing the name Mark Twain. I can just picture how Twain would have felt about 500 pieces of paper wasted by doctors and post graduates trying to guess and surmise what he wanted the people of 2010 to read. It's insufferable.
And as I said, Twain does everything in his power not to talk about himself. His topics range from the distasteful decorations of his living quarters, to the iniquity of Jay Gould, to explanatory notes on a biography written about him by his deceased daughter (which is brilliant), to overbearing landlords. And perhaps one of the funniest things is his insistence on bringing up the subject of a woman being escorted out of President Roosevelt's White House because the President hadn't time to meet with her.
Of course this anecdote only serves to prove his thesis that all news fades away and becomes unimportant; that big stories of the day just aren't as big as you get further from them. Still, those juicy little headlines are oddly entertaining to read 100 years after the events that caused them to be printed transpired. He apparently wanted to make a literary magazine consisting solely of seemingly inane newspaper clippings from decades ago. Notwithstanding, he keeps bringing up the subject of a woman being forcibly removed from the White House. Now naturally I was astonished by this whole anecdote, as the idea of a normal citizen waltzing into the national mansion is impossible to comprehend. No doubt they'd be shot by a sniper before they had a chance to wipe their feet nowadays. But Mr. Twain is BESIDE himself with anger at President Roosevelt for not dealing with this issue more delicately. Any modern reader would find this whole event asinine; the concept of someone entering the White House without a birth certificate and passport and a writ of consent signed in triplicate by Jesus Christ himself is baffling to the modern reader. But Mark Twain included it in his biography.
There is one matter of the autobiography that does pertain to tomorrow's (fictitious) events. Twain recalls the night in Hannibal, Missouri when the real person upon whom Injun Joe was based died. A massive thunderstorm struck the Mississippi River town that turned the streets into muddy rivers. Twain was certain that the thunderstorm was the Devil coming for Injun Joe's soul. It is perhaps coincidental that the weather here in Brooklyn has been rainy, and that thunderstorms haunt the forecast for the next 6 days as well.
SPOOKY.

4. If the following clip did not produce a black hole that consumed the world and all of time and space with it, THEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WILL DESTROY THE WORLD*.

Fig. 1: Daniel Patrick Moynihan v. William F. Buckley, Jr.

Wow. Just. Wow.
The late Senator Moynihan frequents this blog often - because he was the greatest senator of all time - but I think this marks Mr. Buckley's first appearance in this corner of the interpipes. What can be said of this video? Here are two persons who have mastered the English language on entirely different levels. Moynihan's command of English sees him picking esoteric, professorly words, intentionally fumbling whilst searching for words, over-elaborating vowels for the purpose of drawing attention to his word choice, and syncopating the syllables of important words. It's wonderful to watch. And I have always been jealous of his style of public speaking. There is something very commanding and patrician about his speaking style.
But then there's William F. Buckley, Jr., whose voice is like butter melting over warm blueberry muffins. Perhaps no one else on Earth has ever had such an accent; a mid-Atlantic verging on BBC received pronunciation, peppered with Southern twangs and toothy whistles on chosen S's. Listen to him say, "'Your immortal soul,' the monseigneur replied," on repeat, and tell me if you aren't immediately transported to the Twilight Zone. And how I ENVY someone who can get away with unapologetically pronouncing the highest office of the United States as "prez-dint," only to follow it with a pure New Orleans "Caw-tuh." Buckley's pronunciation of Jimmy Carter's name and title make the erstwhile Commander-in-Chief sound less like a cardigan-clad peanut farmer and more like THE MOST POWERFUL MAN ON PLANET EARTH.

Fig. 2: This style is acceptable only for soft-spoken Pennsylvanians on public television - not men who can hit buttons that annihilate entire nations.

So what does this have to do with Doomsday or the Rapture? Simple. The fact that two of the most fantastic public speakers in American history were able to sit next to one another in a television studio and exchange such exquisitely embellished English words without a space-time rift opening up and the voice of Stephen Hawking announcing the impending doom of Earth bears testament that this world will CAN WITHSTAND ANYTHING.
Ozone holes?
HA!
Global warming?
More like a tiny fever!
Bill Buckley and Pat Moynihan SPEAKING AT ONE ANOTHER.
NOT - A - PROBLEM.

* - The death of the sun will likely destroy this world, but humanity will likely have colonized space at that point - hopefully.

So ladies and gentlemen, we are quite safe. So long as Ms. Olsen, John Linnell, John Flansburg, Mark Twain's Autobiography, and video recordings of a well-spoken Senator and a butter-voiced conservative pundit exist, GOD WILL NOT DESTROY HIS MOST FAVORED CREATION.

...but have a drink on my account just in case.