The Seersucker Plan - REDUX

It's no secret that for nearly my whole life I have had a weight problem. Right out of my mom's womb, I was pretty much doomed what with having been born to perhaps the greatest home cook ever documented. Seriously, there is nothing like Ms. Olsen's Famously Reheatable All-Week Lasagna. Since a young age, I've been instilled with an almost religious adoration of food. Indeed, some of my fondest memories involve restaurants - K-Paul's Louisiana Kitchen in New Orleans owned by this man, for example:

Fig. 1: Paul Prudhomme - who has since traded the depicted cane for a Rascal scooter.

For the record, Paul Prudhomme's recipe for shrimp étoufée calls for an entire pound of butter. It's culinary heroes like him that have doomed me to carrying the equivalent weight of an extra Justin Bieber about my person. Not that it doesn't have it's benefits; I'm notoriously difficult to sink with my surplus buoyancy.
Still... I've yo-yo'ed weight in recent years. When I took to bicycling nearly everywhere I needed to go, I lost over 50 pounds. When I quit drinking soda in college, I magically shed 20 pounds. When I injured my knee and was unable to exercise without excruciating pain, I gained somewhere around 20 pounds. And when the holidays roll around? Well, let's just say that I LOVE eggnog.
It's been a difficult struggle with my weight, but I recently decided to take action to once and for all claim Victory in the Battle of the Bulge - and (HISTORY JOKE WARNING) without the aid of Gen. George S. Patton.

Fig. 2: Not actually George S. Patton - BUT WAY BETTER BECAUSE IT'S GEORGE C. SCOTT!

A couple years back, my dear friend Jon offered me something exceptionally precious - his father's Brook's Brothers seersucker suit.

Fig. 3: Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan sporting a Brooks Brothers seersucker suit, being a testament to the overwhelming awesomeness of the said garment.

His father George veered towards the portly side, and so Jon believed the suit should fit me. As it turned out, it was just a bit too snug on me. And so I swore myself that I would eventually fit into this suit in an elaborate plan called THE SEERSUCKER PLAN. This was essentially a modified version of the plan I concocted in college called THE DON'T EAT SO MANY DAMNED COOKIES DIET, which later became THE DON'T EAT SO MANY DAMNED COOKIES - AND GROW SOME SIDEBURNS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT DIET. I here list the tenets of these diets, which I should probably condense into a novelty sized book for people to impulse purchase while in line at Border's.

1. Don't eat so many damned cookies!
   
2. Ride your bicycle once in a while, will ya?
3. Maybe coming home and microwaving a slice of lasagna at 1 am after a night of drinking isn't such a good idea, tough guy.
4. Sideburns, being an exceptionally fashionable and masculine facial embellishment will surely increase your general wind resistance thus causing you to burn more calories when any form of calisthenics is taken.
5. After a long day of vigorous activity and a fine meal of mutton washed down with Guinness, strip in a room free of drafts and have your servant rub your skin with soft Turkish towels to stimulate the bloodflow and toughen the skin.

Needless to say, the plan failed as I didn't have a servant, and soft Turkish towels come at a high premium nowadays. When I morphed the plan into the first SEERSUCKER PLAN, I only lost about 10 pounds and then lost interest completely.
Now, I recently realized that I am to be married on July 2, 2011. I have already purchased a beautiful platinum ring that Alex-sensei (the blood-drenched samurai lord alluded to in previous entries) claims looks as if it was from outer space. [Please see comments section for an exact quote.] We have settled upon place to hold our reception. The church is squared away. And I have decided that I need to lose EIGHTY (80) POUNDS so that I can rock a three-piece seersucker suit. Why do I need to lose so much weight for a simple suit? The reasons are threefold:

1. Our wedding photos will have two BEAUTIFUL people in them, instead of 1.5 beautiful people!
2. I'll be a whole lot healthier - beneficial to spending the rest of our lives together!
3. I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ATTICUS FINCH

Fig. 4: Atticus Finch - The single sexiest execution of the seersucker suit in recorded history. Soon to be overshadowed circa July 2011...

So, how do I plan on going from the festively plump William that everyone has grown to love to the svelt hero of To Kill a Mockingbird in just about 8.5 months? Well, the work has already begun.
Tier 1: Use Wii Fit. I've neglected the obnoxious balance board for a few months now. While the exercises are simple and frankly don't seem to be very effective, the game is a good method to keep records of weight loss and activity levels. I try to use Wii Fit about 3 times a week.
Tier 2: The Couch to 5k running program. Oh, how I dreaded running in gym class. You know, the normal stigma in gym class is being like the fat kid in dodgeball. Let me tell you kids, I was pretty good at dodgeball. But when it came to running? Oh boy - I think I'd prefer walking on coals to jogging a few laps. So Maria clued me into this program which gradually ratchets you up to running 3.1 miles - even after a sedentary life of channel surfing. I am currently working on the Week 5 workout which entails two sessions of running for 8 minutes punctuated by 5 minutes of walking.
Is it working? Well, I'm glad to report, yes. I began THE NEW SEERSUCKER PLAN in early September and have already lost around 15 pounds - ahead of schedule for 8 pounds of weight loss per month. So... barring any unforeseen circumstances, looks like I'll be sporting a three piece better than Gregory Peck. Wish me luck, kids!