Perhaps society is not so healthy, for I see blatant abuses of the privilege of waiting in line nearly every day. Being a talented register cashier at THE DEATH STAR (the aforementioned coffee shop not far from one of the oldest skyscrapers in Manhattan), I represent the ultimate goal of the line - the person to whom you give your order and your cash in return for fattening goodies and caffeinated beverages that you pretend to be addicted to in order to elicit various responses from your painfully hip co-workers. I here outline some of the vilest offense against good taste, blatant violations of the social contract.
KNOW YOUR ORDER: When you stand in line, you are standing in line for a reason. When visiting THE DEATH STAR, you want expertly steamed milk and bacon-fat coated donuts. As such, take time while you are in line to KNOW YOUR ORDER. Promptly giving me your order ensures that the line moves which in turn ameliorates the healthy flow of society.
HAVE YOUR METHOD OF PAYMENT READY: Here I wish this were a video blog such that I could humorously demonstrate some of the more incredulous transactions I have experienced. Instead, I will list phrases that oughtn't be uttered when you arrive at my smiling, unshaven, sleepy face.
- "Lemme see if I have 86¢... in PENNIES."
- "Can you break a hundred for this, my $1.90 coffee?"
- "I think there's enough money on my gift card."
- "Do you accept traveler's checks?"
- "Can I owe you [INSERT AMOUNT OF MONEY HERE]?"
- "Do you accept checks?"
- "I know one of this multitude of credit cards hasn't been maxed out yet."
- "Hold on a sec." [FOLLOWED BY A PHONE CALL TO OTHER PEOPLE IN THE OFFICE]
"DO NOT USE CELLULAR COMMUNICATIONS DEVICES IN THE LINE": Line time is waiting time. You are there to wait. Here are some of the things you may wish to do in a line that are socially acceptable practices that are not addictive, and do not cause you to stare zombie-like at a tiny screen while cognizant persons still part of the healthily functioning waking world are attempting to take your order:
- Read part of a book, magazine, newspaper, &c.
- Talk to a neighbor in line - BUT NOT SO LOUDLY OR OBNOXIOUSLY AS TO RESORT TO A ZOMBIE LIKE STATE WHERE NO OTHER PERSONS EXIST.
- NOTHING - it's a line after all, goshdarnit.
Using these guiding principles, I'm sure that we can all live in a happier and healthier society, free from obnoxious cell phone abusers and time wasters.
Until next time...
I am very truly...
Your Humble Barista