Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In Which We Give Shit Away and Still People Bellyache!

Allow me first to thank Heywood Schwarz, president of DEATH STAR COFFEE, Inc. for the brilliant Free Pastry Giveaway day today. Surely he hatched this brilliant plan with the finest of intentions! Give every overweight American yet another free pastry perfectly parch their insatiable eating holes so that they crave MORE black caffeine infusion. While it made my day busier than usual, I did take a small measure of joy in refusing pastries to patrons who arrived at 10:31am, one minute after the offer expired. So too did I relish telling people that they required giving me a tangible coupon or else show one to me on their handheld device - charging full price for anyone who failed to produce. This brings up yet another wonderful thing about working for DEATH STAR COFFEE, Inc. - taking people's money!
When I joined the corporation, I was told they were looking for "genuine" people who kept it real. People who genuinely smiled and thanked people for their patronage. I mean, my smile is so genuine that I'm TOLD to give you one! Did you know that I am spoken to in private if I don't smile enough?! So ENJOY my GENUINE smile in the morning!
Another illusion is that I joined DEATH STAR COFFEE, Inc. for the wonderful health benefits for which people think I should be so appreciative of. Well, considering an emergency room visit on July 4th for a nasty cast of conjunctivitis cost me handsomely, and the fact that I believe health insurance a birthright in this great nation, this reason for joining DEATH STAR COFFEE suddenly seems insignificant.
No. I really signed on for TAKING YOUR MONEY!
MONEY MONEY MONEY! I love taking your money and giving you less money in return. I love swiping your credit card in the magnetic reader and depleting your already annihilated debit account. I anxiously await the next time I can charge you 50¢ for soymilk (which is actually juice) - 35¢ for extra syrup - 40¢ when you ask for caramel on your beverage which isn't supposed to have it. I love when you pick up one of my overpriced sandwiches, add a Frap to that and rack up a bill of something like $11.79! I love the ridiculous faces you make when you incredulously ask me "Is that total right?" after buying you and your whole family my delicious, sweet coffee treats! I FUCKING LOVE TAKING YOUR GODDAMNED DELICIOUS MONEY!
Just imagine how it pained me to give you a free treat this morning. Well, enjoy it while it lasts because tomorrow, that donut is going to be $1.25 once again.
Until we meet again.
I'll see you in Coffee Hell.

1 comment:

  1. I found the link to the "Julie/Julia" blog and I think you'll really like it. Reading this part made me want to post it here:
    "People speak of gleaning the green markets for the freshest this, the thinnest that, the greenest or firmest or softest whatever, as if what they're doing is a selfless act of consummate care and good taste, rather than the privileged activity of someone who doesn't have to work for a living."
    Thought you'd like that, and that it kept with the theme of your blog.