Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Wherein I Declare Myself Mayor...

People carry many titles nowadays. Missus. Mister. Doctor. Professor. Captain. Viscount. Archduke. Lord. Her Highness. His Majesty. Darth. Titles let us know who people are immediately. For example, Doctors are all pretentious high-nosed sophisticates in argyle sweaters with stethoscopes about their necks. Lords are all fat and carry watch fob chains dangled with intricately jeweled lorgnettes. Darths tend to try and kill Jedi with glowing light swords. I myself have carried only two titles in my 25 years - Master and Mister. While the former certainly sounds important, when you realize it's merely a tag for a boy under a certain age, it loses no small measure of its grandeur. Mister... the requirements just aren't that difficult. I have sought what I consider the finest of all titles.
I have been declared by various sources the MAYOR of at least two geographical locations: Montpellier, France and Sayville, New York. Alas, these have been in name only, as neither location has voted for me... at least not to my current knowledge. My Mayordom of Montpellier amounted to nothing more than a brief oration to my beloved onlookers from a balcony on Rue St. Guilhem served with a massive hangover (courtesy of the Shakespeare Pub) and a mouthful of pain au chocolat and café au lait. Sayville offered me a few of the benefits of mayordom including:
1.) Never paying overdue fines at the library.
2.) Free rides on the Fire Island Ferry.
3.) My name shouted out of moving vehicles while I go for an evening stroll.
4.) Complimentary ginger beer from the owner of The Sweet Gourmet.
5.) A "wink" and a "move along" for public consumption of alcohol.
But I want something more. I want to walk around in a three-piece suit wearing an important looking sash boasting my title - THE MAYOR. I want a pair of novelty oversized scissors in my back pocket for any impromptu openings and christening events I may need to attend. And best of all... I WANT TO IMPROVE NEW YORK CITY!
Those who have been in my company know that I have a few improvements already in mind. I HEREAFTER LIST THE IMPROVEMENTS.
  • The installation of a monorail. This will be provided FOR TOURIST USE ONLY. All monorails will run local and will dispense little tidbits of (made up) trivia about New York City narrated by the computer simulated voice of Jerry Orbach, thus keeping bumbling confused map-wielding Midwesterners off my more efficient, faster subway.
  • Related to the monorail, the Mayor's Mansion will be converted into a HAUNTED MAYOR's MANSION, wherein tourists may ride slowly around a dusty, cobwebbed house haunted by an overly talkative Fiorello LaGuardia.
  • The return of the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to their rightful homes. Since Brooklyn is already a crowded borough, I suggest we build an underwater arena off Coney Island only accessible by a shark-infested fun-tunnel like you see in those fancy aquariums across our great nation. Room for the newly returned Giants will only require selling the Yankees to New Jersey. Deal with it.
  • The banning of the following terms, words and phrases: power lunch, OMG, fierce, metrosexual, txt, "he/she 'friended' me on facebook," Google, pow-wow, IDK, "please make me [INSERT NUMBER] Frappuccino(s)," fart, and the infamous "What stop do I get off on," (esp. on the Grand Central Terminal / Times Square Shuttle.
  • Improving the oyster population to clean our rivers and fill our bellies.
  • The removal of tax on all beer, wine, spirits and poltergeists.
  • The Brooklyn Museum will be made into my central Mayoral Palace. The Brooklyn Botanic Garden will be my personal Entertaining Lawn / Croquet Green. Jacques Pépin will be my personal chef in my personal catering hall of Grand Central Terminal.
  • The Treaty of Bethesda Terrace - a declaration of peace and goodwill between motorists, bicyclists and pedestrians.
  • The building of canals where several choice avenues used to be. The canals will be frozen in all possible months so that New Yorkers may ice-skate to work.
  • All non-essential electricity will be shut off and cell phone towers disabled one day per week for Back to Basics Day, when everyone has to learn to love each other without the warm, friendly glow of a television / cell phone screen.
Now if all these great ideas don't make me mayor in this upcoming election, then I have no faith in humanity.
NEXT TIME: Of Patriotism, Pyrotechnics, and the Greater Conspiracy for Greenpeace Terrorist Hippies to Destroy Independence Day


  1. Well Sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine bonafide electrified six car monorail. You've got my vote.

  2. sir, you have forgotten one very important title you have gone by in the past, particularly while wading around the flats in front of ocean beach with a bucket and a beer or 10. as you may have gathered by now, i am writing about your self-proclaimed title of HITLER (of clams). i insist you issue a full apology and append an amendment to this post.

  3. Sir, you will remember that said title was never self-proclaimed as it was, in fact, bestowed upon me by one Jedward Connersgrad. Also, who in their right mind would relish the "title" of HITLER? Who would go about ancient Scotland talking with witches and wishing to be the HITLER of Cawdor? NO ONE. I expect a written apology and five bucks.